To write about how my life is a thread of calm and serenity would be a lie right now. Even though I continue to practice meditation, deep breathing, healthy eating, good sleep habits, and the like – I am still flooded by instability that currently surrounds life as I know it. Like many around our country, I keep waiting for the moment when our lives shift back into what we know to be normal. I yearn for the comfort of knowing that my kids will grow up in a world surrounded by their friends, playing freely, and letting curiosity drive them. I grieve the tender asides of helping my daughter pick-out her school outfits in the evenings. I even miss the Sunday afternoons spent in coffee shops where I would devote hours to writing to this very blog. However, the thing I miss the most is coming home. Just knowing that my home is my place of being, of peace, of joy. My home.
I’m not sure I realized how deeply I appreciated the caveats of life until my daughter ran away from home last week. Now, before you gasp or decide to stop reading, please take a pause and read a bit more. My daughter, Sissy, packed-up her Elsa & Ana suitcase, filled with candied almonds, lollipops, coloring books, and the contents of an entire dresser drawer. She found her white sunglasses and a long scarf, tie-died and stamped with white peace symbols, and draped it around her shoulders. Opening the back door to our patio, she swiftly pulled her small suitcase across the patio and into the lawn that stretched to her playhouse.
Yes, my daughter knew no other place to run than her playhouse.
So, yes, take a breath and recognize that my 7-years young daughter didn’t actually leave through the front door. Instead, she sought comfort in her playhouse – because her home was so much more than a home in the past six months. She ran away to her playhouse to get away from the constant noise that surrounds our home during ABA therapy for her brother, zoom meetings that she eagerly anticipates ending, and endless, boring minutes of TV time. She ran away to a place that was just for her: her rules and her definitions of life. She left the insecurity not knowing when her mommy-daughter time would be honored for painting mermaid toenails. And she screamed and cried and cut up small pieces of paper with dull scissors because she knew no other way to express those emotions inside.
In this grueling moment, I let the the deep impact of the novel Coronavirus sink into my pores.
With my own mother on the phone with me, coaching me through what felt like the end of my parenting path, I listened to the only advice I had at the moment: help her move out. Yes, that is right. My mother nudged me to get Sissy a bottle of water and a granola bar in case she gets hungry or thirsty. So I did. She encouraged me to find a blanket and coat in case the cold nipped at her tiny toes. And I did. She gave me all the advice I needed to help my daughter move out. She advised me from her years of motherhood that, “this too shall pass, Amanda.”
In those moments, I helped my daughter move out of our home and into her playhouse in our back yard. She asked me for cans of green beans and boxes of Ritz crackers. And I found them and brought them to her. When she realized, and thankfully so, that eating with her fingers wasn’t really her style, she came back into the house for a fork and knife. Her brother, Buddy, watched as I supported his sister with love through her moving out session. And so, he also started to help. Suddenly, I heard things such as, “Hey, Sister, do you think you’ll want some music? You can borrow my iPod if you want.” And, “if I were you, I would also bring an umbrella and your raincoat because the clouds in the sky look pretty stormy.”
It was here, at this moment, that I found my seat on the patio and observed. I watched the love between Buddy and Sissy evolve as Buddy helped his Sister to prepare for life on her own. I listened to the exchange of words between my two children who pooled together allowance coins and dollars in the event Sister needed money. And, I listened to my own mother who reminded me that my next task would be to move my daughter back into our home. While this all unfolded, I allowed the dying branch, filled with emotions, break from this gust of wind. I felt the anger and the fear that seeped into my bones these past six months. I cried deep into my lungs the very existence and now extinguishment of what I know to be true.
And after my good, healthy weeping session, a small hand touched mine. “Mommy, I’m ready to move back in,” said a small, tender voice. And with a smile and a jolt of excitement, I walked to the playhouse and began to pack-up so Sissy could move back home. We all carted in pillows and blankets; canned food and water bottles. We created a sort of assembly line from the playhouse to our home, carefully moving items back to their rightful place. And, before our 8:30 PM bedtime story, Sissy was back inside snuggling into the creases of my shoulder.
I share this very personal experience with you because it helped me to recognize the depth in which my daughter, and maybe a child or teen you know, is coping in today’s world. I truly understand the slight charm and fondness of running away to a playhouse; however, I also know that my daughter is 7 and this is all she knows about “running away.” Given that my daughter was 15 years of age, I have little doubt in my mind that the front door would have opened – and not the back door. So, while it may seem that our children are reacting to small things in life, it is vital to understand that these reactions are real and carry great weight. If your child or teen is in crisis, please don’t judge yourself or them. Instead, tap into these resources:
Youth Crisis Hotline 1-800-448-4663
Teen Hope Line 1-800-394-HOPE
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